The Pandemic Is Causing Relationship Stress For Many Parents
COVID-19 has completely changed the family dynamic in many households over the past ten months. Schools and childcare facilities have closed, and many couples have been juggling many new responsibilities. With the pandemic having lasted much longer than anyone imagined, many parents are running out of patience.
Privacy and boundaries are things of the past now that parents and kids share the same space day in and day out. All of these changes—combined with the economic pressures, fears, and uncertainty that come with the pandemic—are taking their toll on parents’ mental health. Many people are also fighting more with their spouses than they did pre-pandemic.
If you and your partner are experiencing increased relationship stress, you’re not alone. The 2020 American Family Survey found that 34% of married couples aged 18 to 55 were experiencing more stress in their marriages due to the pandemic.[1] Some people are speculating that divorce rates will increase as a result.
Indeed, some marriages may not survive the pandemic. Still, those that do may actually become stronger for having experienced it, according to The American Family Survey: “Overall, many more Americans said that the pandemic had made them appreciate their partners more and deepened their commitment to their relationship than reported increased stress or questions about the strength of their relationships.”
The difference between relationships that don’t survive and those that thrive will likely be how partners handle conflict. Every couple is facing unique challenges during the pandemic, but there are a few pieces of relationship advice I often give to clients dealing with relationship conflict:
Choose your battles
You’ve been tending to the children, keeping up with household chores, and possibly holding down a job—all while trying to squeeze in time for exercise and self-care. You may be facing financial challenges. Additionally, you’re probably investing mental energy in wondering when school will start back up, whether the vaccine will keep your family safe, and a thousand other questions. Do you really want to invest precious energy in pointless arguments?
Some discussions are worth having, of course. However, in many cases, arguments are about trivial matters. Would you rather drain yourself by arguing about how your husband left his socks on the bathroom floor again, or is it possible just to let it go? Instead of spending 20 minutes fighting with your spouse, you could be playing a round of Sushi Go with the kiddos or enjoying a hot bath. Rest assured that there will be plenty of opportunities to discuss your partner’s untidiness when the pandemic is over.
Set the bar lower (for now)
Maybe you’re feeling guilty about sitting the kids in front of the TV every day so you can get some work done. Or perhaps you’re beating yourself up over not having cooked enough nutritious meals. Your guilt may be putting you on the defensive, which can lead to more frequent arguments. On the other hand, perhaps you often blame your partner for how they’ve dropped the ball on certain responsibilities during the pandemic. Arguments like these are prevalent right now, especially in cases when parenting styles clash.
During times like these, it helps to remember that desperate times call for desperate measures. Obviously, you wouldn’t be using PAW Patrol as a babysitter or serving pizza five nights a week if you weren’t struggling. Nobody asked for this pandemic, nobody expected it, and nobody planned for it. We are all doing the best we can, but sometimes that means falling short of our pre-pandemic expectations. By adjusting our expectations to suit this extraordinary (and hopefully temporary) circumstance, we can hold ourselves to a more reasonable standard.
Cultivate compassion for your partner
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but we don’t experience that much community support in American culture (especially right now!). Nor do we have easy access to friends, family, or personal interests that take place outside of the home. Instead, we expect our spouse to meet all of our needs, whether financial, emotional, romantic, etc.
Expecting your spouse to be your everything to you isn’t fair, and it can drive a wedge between you. Try to remember that next time you encounter relationship conflict. Even though we are all dealing with it in different ways, I can assure you that we are all struggling to some degree right now. Instead of immediately arguing with your spouse when they do something you don’t like, first ask yourself, “What is my partner struggling with that might be causing them to act this way?” When you take the time to consider that your partner is likely hurting, too, it becomes much easier to tolerate challenging behaviors.
Give yourself some space
Imagine that you just got done with your weekly online therapy session, and you’re feeling a whirlwind of complicated emotions. The second you walk out of your office, your spouse starts demanding to know what is for dinner. Do you think you’ll be likely to respond to them with kindness? If you are already in a foul mood, this situation could easily lead to an argument.
Now imagine that instead of needing to interact with your partner immediately after your therapy session, you have time to look up a few articles online about what you and your therapist discussed. You then sit and process the information, feeling calmer and more in control every minute. By the time you walk out of your office, you already have a dinner plan and a smile to greet your partner with.
Interactions can be calmer and less frantic when you build some space into your daily schedule. Instead of telling your husband that you’ll be available right after your session is done, tack on an extra half hour at the end. You can also create more physical space in your day by working from a different room (unless you have unattended young children), or perhaps letting your family know that you will be taking a short walk every night after dinner.
Find moments of joy
If you and your spouse are always stressed out, you’ll be much more likely to get into disagreements. Instead of insisting that you and your partner are constantly productive, learn to let go of perfectionism and prioritize your family’s mental health.
If you’re feeling stressed from work, don’t bother cooking dinner tonight—order takeout. Forget about the dirty dishes in the sink and do something relaxing with your partner. You could also spend your evening watching a funny movie with the family. When you and your loved ones take time to recharge, you’ll handle conflict with greater tolerance and resiliency.
If you’ve been arguing with your spouse, considering getting support from an experienced counselor. As a licensed therapist, I can help you figure out what’s driving conflict in your family so you can take steps to resolve it. Visit my specialty pages to learn about my areas of expertise, or contact me for a free, 20-minute phone consultation.
