How to Cope With Secondary Infertility
Secondary infertility takes many people by surprise. Considering how easy it was to conceive the first time , many parents who have trouble conceiving are surprised and upset by the revelation. They may never have heard of secondary infertility before, so they assume that their situation is unusual.If you have secondary infertility, statistics show that you’re not alone. As many as one in ten women have a hard time conceiving for the second time making this condition extremely common. In fact, secondary infertility happens five times more often than primary infertility.[i]There are many possible causes of secondary infertility; your doctor can help you identify them. Even if you eventually find answers, though, facing unexplained secondary infertility is never easy. As you explore the physical reasons behind your condition, you may be wondering how to cope with the stress.Couples who are having trouble conceiving for the second time face many challenges. Secondary infertility can cause anxiety and depression (which can make it even more difficult to conceive) as well as a host of other unpleasant emotions. Working on your psychological health can help you get through this challenging time and may even improve your chance of conception. Even if you’re not ultimately able to carry another child to term, the following tips can help you overcome the psychological challenges of infertility:
1. Be on the lookout for negative thought patterns
Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean that’s it’s helpful or accurate. Thoughts like “All my friends already have multiple children!” and questions like “Why did I wait so long?” are perfectly natural. You can hardly help it if you’re getting frustrated. But it’s worth asking yourself whether thoughts like these are making things better or just making you miserable.You won’t be able to banish negative thoughts altogether, but you can learn to reframe them in a more positive light. Just observing them can help to put some emotional distance between you and your thoughts. It takes time, but with practice, you can train yourself to notice unhelpful thoughts when they arise so you can avoid getting swept away by them.
2. Give yourself a break
It’s not your fault if you’re struggling to conceive! Blaming yourself or your body for your inability to get pregnant isn’t fair, and it won’t help. Instead, ask yourself how you would respond if a close friend or loved one shared their infertility struggles with you. Would you blame them and call them a failure? Of course not! Do yourself a favor and treat yourself with the same level of kindness and compassion.This also means being honest with yourself about how you’ve been feeling. It’s perfectly natural to feel angry, shocked, and frustrated. Many people with secondary infertility struggle with depression. You may also be plagued with guilt, especially if people have been telling you that you should be grateful for the child you already have or if you have gone through pregnancy termination in the past. But love and sadness aren’t mutually exclusive. Grieve is what you experience. (even if no one seems to understand)Accepting that you have secondary infertility isn’t easy, but it will allow you to begin the grieving process. Friends and family sometimes don’t understand how it’s possible to miss a child you never had, but that doesn’t make your loss any less valid. What many people don’t realize is that you’re not just losing the pregnancy experience you wanted. You’re saying goodbye to the future you planned for yourself, your partner, and your family.We all have a story in our mind about how our lives are supposed to go. Did you expect to have two or more children by now? Did you picture yourself conceiving all of your children easily, while making love to your partner, without medical assistance? If so, it makes sense that you’re disappointed. The life you dreamed of for so long may never come to fruition (at least not in the way you hoped). However, by acknowledging the empty space this has left in your life, you can make room for new possibilities.
3. Surround yourself with support
It may be time to talk to your doctor about the possible reasons behind your infertility, especially if you’ve been trying to conceive for a year or more. It doesn’t hurt to start up a conversation and begin exploring your options before then, either. Perhaps a solution won’t immediately reveal itself, but at least you’ll have the peace of mind of having done everything possible to overcome any physical barriers to conception.You may also need support to help you carry the psychological burden of infertility. Considering the shock, anxiety, and other painful emotions you’re feeling, it’s essential you learn how to cope with secondary infertility and get the right emotional support. Your partner may be trying, but since they’re also dealing with their own grief, they may not have the emotional reserves to help you. Friends’ and relatives’ comments and advice may also hurt more than they help. If this sounds like your situation, it may be worthwhile to seek out reproductive counseling.I am a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in reproductive and perinatal psychology. By meeting with me, you can get the understanding, empathy, and validation you’ve been missing. As we explore your disappointments, frustrations, and hopes, you’ll also gain a new perspective. You’re probably facing some difficult questions about secondary infertility, such as when to stop trying on your own and whether to consider medical alternatives. I can’t make these decisions for you, of course, but I can help you develop the clarity, emotional stability, and confidence to make them on your own.Secondary infertility may be one of the biggest challenges you and your partner ever face, but I’m here to help you through it. To learn about my reproductive counseling service, set up a free 30-minute consultation
